When I was young, my dad used to refer to me as “Charlie Brown”. I never asked him what he meant by it, I think mainly because I was afraid to hear the answer. (Who wants to be called a round headed kid, especially when you are a girl?) Being the most awkward person I knew, I felt victimized and hopelessly depressed. Although cheering others up was quite easy, I lived under a gray cloud of depression and had a very negative view of what the world had to offer me. Since every action COULD have the worst possible outcome, and most often did because I believed that it would, I could just “choose” inaction and avoid further heartbreak and anguish altogether. This defense mechanism of avoidance separated me from the endless negative possibilities in my head, and also the positive growth I could have gained had I just embraced the fear and chosen to try. I accepted what was given to me and did not go after my dreams.
I have not always been pessimistic and depressed and have lived many years quite the opposite; however, big failures and heartache have driven my spirit back to the days of self doubt and negativity. While I was once high spirited and full of hope, I have become isolated and afraid to make any big changes in my life.
Charlie Brown was mostly known as a loser, trying something (new or old) and failing due to bad luck or just life, but yet he would always try again the next day. So was Charlie Brown really a loser? The real loser would be the person who didn’t try at all, much like the person I have become. Somewhere along the way, I lost my optimism and began bullying myself, creating bad luck and allowing negative thoughts to steal my wins and dreams. In the comic strip, Lucy causes Charlie Brown anguish by playing tricks on him. In my life, I have played my own twisted version of Lucy, pulling the football out of my path, making myself land on my back in a dirty cloud of fear.
I am starting this blog writing as “Carlie Browne” as a tribute to the insecure girl inside me that just wants to kick the football, literally or figuratively. There are many paths in life I would like to pursue and my journey must start by getting out of my own way today, and then trying again tomorrow because that is where the victory is waiting.